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30 Day Song Challege- Day 5, A Song That Reminds You Of Someone

04/28/2011

I wrote this in June of 2009. Letters to six unidentified men in my life. Some I still have contact with. Some I don’t. I have chosen a song for each of them. –’09 writing in italics.–

I’m so sorry, but it will get better. Unless you’re putting me on, you seem to be doing well. I hope you are. I am sorry about the K situation but I think I paid my dues. I’m sorry for holding you back, holding on when I knew it was the end. Selfish, but I was so afraid to lose you. Yes, that’s what I’m most sorry for. I still don’t know how sorry I am for leaving. Yes, it was abrupt. Yes, it was cowardly. But I had a chance and I took it and it worked. I miss you sometimes. Sometimes I let you know, most times I don’t. Just do me a favor and give your mom a huge hug for me.

My first love, I left him. There was a lot of hurt and guilt there-that I caused him and he caused me- so I decided to start fresh with someone new at home (he lives about 70 miles away).  This wasn’t ‘our’ song, but every time I hear this one it pulls at my heart and I think about that boy.

I have a secret. Every time you had a number on stage I would scurry to duck in the wings and watch you perform. My heart would fill up like a proud Mama. I am so proud of you! Life would be so boring if you were never my husband. I admire you for the chances you take in pursuing your dream. I love how honest we can be with each other. I don’t think I can do that with anyone else. You’re my last connection to New Ro so I hope to come visit you soon!

He has since moved from New Rochelle but everything else still holds true. My brother from another mother, who I met because he played my husband in our school’s production of “Cocktails With Mimi”, but we really first met when he fell asleep on me on a bus trip home from Avenue Q.  I don’t usually believe that a straight male and female can be just friends without one party having feelings and being weird, but it’s not like that with us and never has been ( at least I don’t think so!). I don’t know exactly why this song registers “CG” in my brain, but every time I hear “excuse me little homie, I know you don’t know me”, I think of my bro and smile big.

Your feverish head lay on my chest a couple hours ago and those stupid words burned in the back of my throat as I stroked your hair. “No”, I told myself. “It’s too early. Besides, I’ll be damned if I say them first.”
I think you know, though. I am here, I am. I’m afraid I come off coarse sometimes. I’m sorry if I do. But I hope you felt it, while you were lying there, that though I was going home I wasn’t going anywhere.

The one I left the first guy for. He broke up with me shortly after this was written. I can think of 5 songs off the cuff for this guy. Neil Young ( Harvest Moon. I wrote this in response to the Young thing), Bright Eyes (Make a Plan to Love Me), Colin Hay ( I can remember one line and can never find the song) and Josh Rouse ( All of Country Mouse, City House). But this is the one that is totally him, everything he was and wanted to be. He wanted to be Steve McQueen.

You were the first. No, not that first. If that were the case, I would have been a lot more messed up over you. All my favorite high school memories include you. So do my obligatory teen heartbreak stories. Thanks for that, by the way. I learned life lessons from you. It is because of you I have certain expectations from a relationship. It is because of you that I have a chuckle every time I see the word ‘cutlery’ or hear ‘We Built This City’. It is because of you that I began to write real things and feel real things and go on real adventures. For that I will always be grateful. But still, if we cross paths, chances are I may punch you.

We built this city on fascism and ridicule, do you remember? This song always takes me back to your passenger seat.

Oh, sweet Mini Dreyfuss! You amaze me. I could write volumes, but I’ll keep it brief. I have to thank you immensely for never taking my crap and calling me out on my drama. You always had a way of saying things that made me wake up and see the light. You never offended, though. I remember the first time you asked me out, sophomore year, in full goalie garb. It broke my heart to turn you down. That was almost 10 years ago! We all know what happened after that. Were we inseparable or what? Quizzing each other with the dictionary was always a good time. Remember when you almost wore your glasses out opening Oklahoma? We have been friends for a long time, and I hope we will be for a long time more.

You know what happens when you date your best friend in high school? Shit gets weird. We fixed it, though. This kid always wanted to be Danny Elfman and I think he’s well on his way. I also think it’s time for a phone call.


I hate you. God I fucking hate you. You’re slimy and two-faced and sarcastic and self-righteous. But you’re dating one of my best friends so I have to play nice.

I don’t think much about this guy. He’s the ‘K’ I apologize for in the first segment. Honestly, if I was forced to pick something it would be one of the dumb Sublime songs he used to listen to and I don’t feel like linking it.

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